Setting Limits With Your Four Year Old
Jennie Krogulski
February 27, 2008
I believe that love, firm boundaries, and consistency are the keys to a happy and healthy child - no matter his or her age. Four year olds are at a stage of development where independence is of the up most importance to them. They are at an in-between age where they still want to be the baby but they also want to be like the big kids. Therefore, you have to be creative in setting limits with them. You want them to know that you are the boss, but yet give them a sense of independence and self-esteem.
Keep Messages Simple
Do not go into long, drawn-out explanations of why you want your four year old to do something. Simply state your request and be done with it. Many four year olds want to debate, and if you go into a long explanation, you set yourself, and her, up for failure!
Using one word messages can be helpful at this age. For example: When she gets done going potty, say "hands". That is her reminder to wash her hands before leaving the bathroom. It becomes automatic for her to listen to one word messages, and she is less likely to argue.
Be Clear and Consistent
One of my favorite phrases is "Say what you mean and mean what you say." Children need you to be clear in giving directions. Once you've set limits - stick to them!
Consistency is essential for a child's sense of security and trust! The child must be told the consequence before she breaks the rule and then the consequence must be used each time the rule is broken.
For example: If you tell her that she has to stay in bed after you tuck her in, then expect her to do that. If she gets up, silently walk her back to her room and put her back in bed. You may have to do this repeatedly. However, if you let her get up and wander into the living room to watch TV, you have sent her the message that you do not really mean what you say. That is confusing for a child! She will push and push to find out where the boundaries really are. How unhealthy!
Use Natural Consequences
Use natural and logical consequences. If the offense was that she got up out of bed all evening, then the consequence is that she must go to bed 15 minutes early the next evening. If she breaks her brother's favorite toy (on purpose), then the consequence is that she must give her favorite toy to him. If she is being unpleasant and rude, then the consequence is that she must spend time by herself until she finds her good manners. If she is mistreating a toy, then the toy gets put away until she can treat is respectfully.
When/Then
This is a great tool to use with young children to get them to do what they do not want to do! It works like a charm!
Examples:
"When you pick up your toys, then we will do an art project."
"When you begin using your good manners, then you may come out and join our game."
"When you eat your fruit, then you may have another pretzel."
"When you take your bath, then you may watch Toy Story 2."
Reinforcement of the Positive
Children naturally want to please and they thrive when praised often and genuinely. Reinforce the positive behavior when possible. Their eyes light up and they often go and do the good deed all over again just to see if you notice!
"I really like the way you are helping your brother with the puzzle! You are a great teacher!"
"Thank you for putting your plate in the dishwasher! You are such a big helper!"
"Thank you for being good in the store today! Didn't we all have fun!?!"
"I noticed that you said 'please' when you asked for a drink. I really like it when you use your good manners!"
Redirection
When possible, redirect your charge to a more appropriate activity or behavior. You do not want the child to always feel like you are scolding her or that she can not do anything right. Redirection is a positive way to end inappropriate behavior. Simply stop the child and redirect her attention to a different activity.
Quiet Time
When my charge refuses to listen, she is sent to her room where she must spend quiet time alone in her chair. This is not a time to play with toys, but a time for her to think and be alone until she is ready to cooperate. Often, young children are over-stimulated and just need that quiet time to re-group. I place her in her chair and tell her to have some alone time until she feels better and is ready to listen to my directions. When she comes back out, she is then on her best behavior.
Creating Successful Situations
It is very important to create as many successful situations as possible for young children. Remember, it is the job of a four year old to push the limits and test boundaries. This is a normal, healthy part of her development! It is your job as her caregiver to reinforce those limits while looking for ways to create successful situations for her. Doing so will assist in building her self-esteem and reduce the "power struggles" that so often come when you set limits with your four year old!
Keep Messages Simple
Do not go into long, drawn-out explanations of why you want your four year old to do something. Simply state your request and be done with it. Many four year olds want to debate, and if you go into a long explanation, you set yourself, and her, up for failure!
Using one word messages can be helpful at this age. For example: When she gets done going potty, say "hands". That is her reminder to wash her hands before leaving the bathroom. It becomes automatic for her to listen to one word messages, and she is less likely to argue.
Be Clear and Consistent
One of my favorite phrases is "Say what you mean and mean what you say." Children need you to be clear in giving directions. Once you've set limits - stick to them!
Consistency is essential for a child's sense of security and trust! The child must be told the consequence before she breaks the rule and then the consequence must be used each time the rule is broken.
For example: If you tell her that she has to stay in bed after you tuck her in, then expect her to do that. If she gets up, silently walk her back to her room and put her back in bed. You may have to do this repeatedly. However, if you let her get up and wander into the living room to watch TV, you have sent her the message that you do not really mean what you say. That is confusing for a child! She will push and push to find out where the boundaries really are. How unhealthy!
Use Natural Consequences
Use natural and logical consequences. If the offense was that she got up out of bed all evening, then the consequence is that she must go to bed 15 minutes early the next evening. If she breaks her brother's favorite toy (on purpose), then the consequence is that she must give her favorite toy to him. If she is being unpleasant and rude, then the consequence is that she must spend time by herself until she finds her good manners. If she is mistreating a toy, then the toy gets put away until she can treat is respectfully.
When/Then
This is a great tool to use with young children to get them to do what they do not want to do! It works like a charm!
Examples:
"When you pick up your toys, then we will do an art project."
"When you begin using your good manners, then you may come out and join our game."
"When you eat your fruit, then you may have another pretzel."
"When you take your bath, then you may watch Toy Story 2."
Reinforcement of the Positive
Children naturally want to please and they thrive when praised often and genuinely. Reinforce the positive behavior when possible. Their eyes light up and they often go and do the good deed all over again just to see if you notice!
"I really like the way you are helping your brother with the puzzle! You are a great teacher!"
"Thank you for putting your plate in the dishwasher! You are such a big helper!"
"Thank you for being good in the store today! Didn't we all have fun!?!"
"I noticed that you said 'please' when you asked for a drink. I really like it when you use your good manners!"
Redirection
When possible, redirect your charge to a more appropriate activity or behavior. You do not want the child to always feel like you are scolding her or that she can not do anything right. Redirection is a positive way to end inappropriate behavior. Simply stop the child and redirect her attention to a different activity.
Quiet Time
When my charge refuses to listen, she is sent to her room where she must spend quiet time alone in her chair. This is not a time to play with toys, but a time for her to think and be alone until she is ready to cooperate. Often, young children are over-stimulated and just need that quiet time to re-group. I place her in her chair and tell her to have some alone time until she feels better and is ready to listen to my directions. When she comes back out, she is then on her best behavior.
Creating Successful Situations
It is very important to create as many successful situations as possible for young children. Remember, it is the job of a four year old to push the limits and test boundaries. This is a normal, healthy part of her development! It is your job as her caregiver to reinforce those limits while looking for ways to create successful situations for her. Doing so will assist in building her self-esteem and reduce the "power struggles" that so often come when you set limits with your four year old!
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